Written By Lucien Drake
Every year, the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade floats by like a politely smiling fever dream. Lip-synced pop tunes. Glitter. Confetti. A random Broadway performance no one asked for. A mascot that looks like it hasn’t known peace in 86 years.
And every year, metalheads sit on their couches thinking the same thought:
“This would be so much better with blast beats.”
So we fixed it.
Welcome to the official Metal Lair Metalhead Macy’s Parade, rebuilt from asphalt to skyhook with zero repeats, maximum chaos, and enough riffs to make Santa sprout a battle vest.
Hold onto your turkey legs.
THE COMPLETE METALHEAD MACY’S PARADE
1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Chocolate Factory
Band: Revocation
Song: “Dismantle the Dictator”
Because nothing honors childhood like technical death metal on a sewer-themed float. Master Splinter would approve.
2. Master Chocolatier Ballroom (Lindt)
Band: Tenacious D
Song: “Kickapoo”
Jack Black would absolutely swan-dive into a chocolate fountain. The parade needs that energy.
3. Sesame Street 1-2-3
Band: Spinal Tap
Song: “Tonight I’m Gonna Rock You Tonight”
Big Bird dancing while Nigel Tufnel turns the amp to 11? This is now peak children’s programming.
4. Colossal Wave of Wonder (Kalahari Resorts)
Band: Lamb of God
Song: “Walk With Me in Hell”
A tropical float backed by Lamb of God is so violently mismatched it becomes perfect.
5. Palace of Sweets (Brach’s)
Band: Helloween
Song: “Pumpkins United”
Candy plus power metal equals the serotonin we all deserve.
6. Deck the Halls (Balsam Hill)
Band: The Acacia Strain
Song: “Dr. Doom”
Festive wreaths plus a breakdown that could collapse Manhattan. Holiday excellence.
7. The Counting Sheep Dream Generator (Serta)
Band: Green Carnation
Song: “The World Without a View”
A hypnotic float drifting to Norwegian prog? This one wins the parade on atmosphere alone.
8. Heartwarming Holiday Countdown (Hallmark)
Band: Testament
Song: “Practice What You Preach”
Thrash restores emotional balance to all these peppermint-scented love scenes.
9. Stranger Things – Upside Down
Band: Iron Maiden
Song: “The Trooper”
Eddie towering over the Demogorgons. Crowds screaming. The float finally gets the theatrics it deserves.
10. Palace of Sweets (Second Listing)
Band: Amon Amarth
Song: “Guardians of Asgaard”
Vikings marching through a candy kingdom. Michelin-star weirdness.
11. Land of Ice and Wonder (Holland America)
Band: Ensiferum
Song: “In My Sword I Trust”
Snowflakes. Finnish battle cries. A winter wonderland with teeth.
12. Wondrous World of Wildlife (Bronx Zoo)
Band: Sabaton
Song: “Bismarck”
A float full of animals listening to historical power metal. The lion puppet is confused but committed.
13. Fantasy Chocolate Factory (Kinder)
Band: Ghost
Song: “Rats”
Papa Emeritus waving from the chocolate river. Parents concerned. Teens awakened.
14. Geoffrey’s Dazzling Dance Party (Toys‘R’Us)
Band: Cannibal Corpse
Song: “Evisceration Plague”
A giant dancing giraffe plus Corpsegrinder’s windmill neck equals parade immortality.
15. Dora’s Fantastical Rainforest (Nickelodeon)
Band: Gojira
Song: “Silvera”
Environmental metal on a rainforest float? Finally, a perfect match.
16. Pasta Knight (Rao’s Homemade)
Band: Gwar
Song: “Saddam a Go-Go”
A glorious spectacle of intergalactic mayhem. Expect fake blood, foam weapons, and at least one inflatable kaiju BBQ-ing a pilgrim.
17. LEGO Brick-tastic Winter Mountain
Band: Nightwish
Song: “Nemo”
Symphonic metal soaring over technicolor plastic chaos. Aesthetic grand slam.
18. Hallmark Countdown (Second Appearance)
Band: Epica
Song: “Cry for the Moon”
Suddenly, Hallmark becomes a goth opera. You’re welcome.
19. Jolly Polly Pirate Ship (Macy’s)
Band: Alestorm
Song: “Drink”
Mandatory. Correct. Holy. Manhattan becomes a drunken sea shanty battleground.
20. Harvest in the Valley (Green Giant)
Band: Korpiklaani
Song: “Vodka”
A folk metal harvest party on a vegetable float. Zero nutritional value. Maximum joy.
21. Big Turkey Spectacular (Jennie-O)
Band: Powerwolf
Song: “Incense & Iron”
A giant turkey backed by Catholic werewolf power metal? Chef’s kiss.
22. Birds of a Feather Stream Together (Peacock)
Band: Dimmu Borgir
Song: “Progenies of the Great Apocalypse”
Symphonic black metal backing rainbow birds. NBC spontaneously combusts.
THE CLOSER: SANTA’S SLEIGH
Band: Steel Panther
Song: “Gloryhole”
This is the moment the Macy’s Parade stops being a family event and becomes a televised midlife crisis. Steel Panther arrive like Christmas morning after a bender. Spandex tighter than the moral outrage hotline, hair teased so tall it could interfere with air traffic, and enough energy to get the whole country grounded until New Year’s.
And within seconds of rolling down 34th Street, Steel Panther start doing what Steel Panther always do: enthusiastically motioning for women in the crowd to “come join the party on the float.”
No one knows what the party actually entails, but the look on the NBC producer’s face suggests it involves at least three HR violations and a strategically timed commercial break.
Parents are diving for the remote. Grandmothers are clutching pearls so hard they snap the necklace.
Every teenager watching suddenly understands why their moms still talk about the ’80s with suspicious nostalgia.
Watching this will put you on the Naughty List just by association.
And that’s the parade America truly deserves. Louder, stranger, heavier, and far more honest than the cinnamon scented spectacle we get every November.
Whether you’re carving turkey, blasting riffs, or dodging relatives, Metal Lair raises a horn to you.
Happy Thanksgiving, metal family.
Stay loud. Stay brilliantly weird and pass the stuffing.
