Written By Tristan Cardinelli
Ah, the holidays. That magical time of year when joy, love, and the unmistakable sound of Mariah Carrey’s “All I Want For Christmas is You” assaults your eardrums and not in a good way. For most, it’s a time to embrace the festive cheer, exchange gifts, and maybe wear an ugly sweater. Unless you’re from Sweden, where the national sport is headbanging and the default wardrobe is leather and band tees, you’ll stand out like an alien invader at a karaoke bar. It’s more like trying to headbang your way through a battlefield of awkward conversations, passive-aggressive remarks, and relentless holiday cheer.
Metalheads tend to stand out because while most people are sipping lattes and discussing their favorite true crime documentaries, we’re busy headbanging to riffs so heavy they might cause an earthquake. Normies think our music is a mix of demonic rituals and vocal cords shredded to dust by screamo, but really, it’s just us trying to find the perfect soundtrack to get through the day.
Fear not, fellow metal warriors, we’ve crafted the ultimate guide to surviving the holidays with your family while keeping your inner darkness intact. So, grab your guitar, slam down a black coffee (or something stronger), and let’s dive in.
1. Creating Christmas Traditions
Ah, Christmas traditions. They’re important, right? Well, why not start one that’s perfectly tailored for the fabulous metalhead that you are? It’s Christmas Eve and you’re in your Slayer pajamas. Time to blast I Declare War’s Christmas album at full volume.
This EP is perfect for the season. What’s not to love? It’s Christmas flavored deathcore with three covered Christmas songs, The guys in I Declare War show off their humor and holiday spirit.
Don’t worry about subtlety, because you’ll want the entire household to experience the sheer joy of this album. It’s Christmas after all, and nothing screams holiday spirit like guttural screams and blast beats.
2. Dressing the part…and the armor
The holidays mean you’ll be surrounded by relatives who haven’t seen you since last year’s Christmas dinner, so you’ve got two options: hide in your room and binge-watch The Lord of the Rings trilogy for the fifth time, or face the inevitable questions like “Why do you dress like you’re going to battle?” or “Why do you always wear black clothes? You should wear more color!”
We say, embrace the chaos and go full metal. Let your Cattle Decapitation shirt show them who’s boss. Just know that Aunt Karen might give you “the look” but you’ve got a comeback ready: “I wear black because it’s slimming… unlike your Christmas sweater.” Bonus points if you add corpse paint.
3. Preparing for the “What do you do again?” question.
The dreaded inquiry that comes after “So, how’s school/work?” Or when Aunt Linda asks, “So, are you still, uh, doing that music thing?” It’s time to explain once again that you’re not just a person who listens to loud music, you’re part of a subculture that’s way deeper than mainstream music.
Instead of saying, “I play in a death metal band and sing about existential dread and apocalyptic visions,” try, “I’m working on expanding my audio production skills.
keep it simple, because trying to explain black metal to your 75-year-old grandmother will only end in confusion, and possibly, a call to a priest.
4. Holiday Movies: But not without your own soundtrack!
Whether it’s Home Alone, The Grinch, or whatever Christmas movie your family watches you’re going to need some emotional support. And no, that doesn’t mean holding your cousin’s baby while she talks about the joy of motherhood. That means headphones. Slip on your noise-canceling headphones and put on Majestica’s album, A Christmas Carol as an alternative.
If your family begins to catch on, just tell them it’s “meditation music” and that you’re “aligning your chakras.” Works every time.
4. The family fued. Navigating the mind field of the holiday meal.
We all know the holiday dinner table can turn into a warzone. The moment the turkey’s carved, Aunt Susan will ask about your relationship status, and Uncle Bill will bring up the fact that you still haven’t “found a real job.” Time to prepare for battle!
Arm yourself with a few one-liners. If Aunt Susan gets too personal, just drop a “I’m dating my career right now,” or go full sarcasm with, “Oh, I’m in a very serious relationship… with my vinyl collection.”
As for Uncle Bill’s job comment, deflect. Remember, metalheads are masters of subtle deflection. Compliment the turkey, talk about how much better this year’s Christmas lights look, and suddenly they’re all talking about how much Uncle Bob drinks instead of critiquing your life choices.
6. The Food
As for the food your family serves. Either you’ve hit the lottery and your relative cooks like a Food Network chef or there’s dishes you’ll regret eating the moment they hit your stomach. Stuffing that tastes like cardboard, mashed potatoes that could double as cement and Aunt Gertrudes defrosted fruitcake from last year that should come with a warning label. Feign interest in the Christmas ham as if it were a ritualistic sacrifice, but don’t get trapped in a “So, what does your band do?” conversation unless you’re prepared to explain “guttural screams” and “blast beats” as a spiritual awakening.
7. Gifts: The joy of giving
Gift-giving is tough when your family still doesn’t understand that your dream gift might be a limited-edition first pressing vinyl of Black Sabbath’s Master of Reality or vintage band shirts. If Aunt Karen gives you a sweater with snowflakes on it, resist the urge to cringe. Instead, thank them by throwing up the metal horns, then quietly throw it in the back of your closet with all the other things you’ll never wear.
As for your gift-giving skills, it’s all about strategy. A good metalhead gift is either something they’ll never expect or something that would make any normie recoil in horror.
Here’s a list of perfect gifts they might get—just to see them suffer:
A t-shirt with an incomprehensible band logo that will have your mom secretly googling “How to tell if your kid warships satan”.
A vinyl of Cannibal Corpse’s “Butchered at Birth. Nevermind the fact your sister doesnt own a turntable.
Here’s one for Grandma. A set of black metal holiday ornaments. Skulls, upside down crosses, pentagrams and a black metal santa in corpse paint. You can assure her these decorations are the hottest new trend.
A collection of metal band posters that literally no one recognizes that you’ve curated of “Necrovoid” and “Doomflesh.” The artwork will be so dark and satanic that she will slowly descend into an existential crisis.
A book on how to grow your own beard like a viking warrior. (Think Zakk Wylde)
This one’s special for Uncle Bob, who’s been trying to grow his “stubble” into a full Viking beard for years. The book will feature intricate instructions that involve oils, combs, and 12 hours of daily meditation in front of a mirror.
8. Surviving post dinner Christmas karaoke
We all know this one’s coming. Aunt Linda will insist on doing a “Christmas sing-along” and everyone will take turns performing Christmas songs. Don’t panic, this is where your extensive metal knowledge comes in. As the family gears up to butcher “Do You Hear What I Hear?”, you calmly slide your secret weapon into the playlist: “Red Water” by Type O Negative. When they ask, “What kind of Christmas song is this?”, you smirk and reply, “Haven’t you ever heard of Peter Steele? He’s basically the Christmas ghost of doom metal.”
9. When in doubt start a circle pit.
When the holiday chaos hits peak cringe and your soul can’t take any more it’s time to deploy your ultimate weapon: The windmill. Crank up some unholy metal, and start headbanging like you’re in Slayer. This gives your tortured soul the release it craves. It might even inspire an impromptu family mosh pit. Nothing says holiday spirit like slamming Grandpa across the table.
10. THE GREAT ESCAPE
The family holiday has hit critical mass: the turkey’s a sad, cold lump, Aunt Karen’s droning on about her latest “controversial” Facebook post that went against community standards, and Grandpa’s still trying to figure out what “heavy metal” is—despite the half hour you’ve spent explaining it. The clock is ticking. It’s time to bail.
Feign interest in Aunt Karen’s missing knitting needles while eyeing the door like a prison break. Fake an urgent phone call from your “band” about an emergency gig at a “super underground” venue. Drop a dramatic line like, “I’m off to summon the darkness”, and glide out while avoiding eye contact with Grandma’s porcelain army of judgmental angels.
So, there you have it! The ultimate holiday survival guide for metalheads. Tips to send your relatives running to the hills. Enjoy the chaos!
