Written and created by Metal Lair
PROCLAMATION NO. 3
By Order of The Ministry of Metal
Filed under Section XXV, Subsection Concerning Temporal Transitions, End-of-Year Disorder, and Misuse of Celebratory Traditions.
Hear ye, hear ye and hear it again. Effective immediately, the following rules are enacted throughout the realm to curb the annual outbreak of performative optimism, forced celebration, and general calendar-based hysteria.
Failure to comply will result in penalties as outlined. Ignorance will not be accepted as a defense.
RULE I: THE RESOLUTION CLAUSE
Any metalhead observed making sweeping declarations such as “This is my year,” “I’m starting fresh,” or “I’m going to the gym” shall be placed on Probationary Self-Awareness Status until January 3rd.
Penalty:
Mandatory listening to recordings of their own past resolutions, followed by one (1) week of realistic expectations.
RULE II: THE EARLY COLLAPSE STATUTE
Any individual who loudly proclaims they are “definitely staying up” and then falls asleep before 11 PM shall be classified as Fallen Before the Bell.
Penalty:
They will awaken to fireworks, confusion, and at least one unexplained text from a random number.
RULE III: THE “ONE DRINK” MISREPRESENTATION ACT
Any claim of “just one drink” is officially recognized as False Testimony.
Penalty:
Loss of credibility for the remainder of the night and responsibility for any playlists they agreed to earlier.
RULE IV: COUNTDOWN INTERFERENCE
Anyone Who:
Counts too fast
Counts too slow
Shouts the wrong year
Or relies on a clock that is spiritually inaccurate
will be charged with Temporal Recklessness.
Penalty:
They must accept that midnight happened without them and move on.
RULE V: THE MIDNIGHT KISS DIRECTIVE
Forced kissing or awkward proximity at midnight without consent is hereby deemed unauthorized behavior.
Penalty for offenders:
Immediate banishment.
RULE VI: YEAR-END OVERTHINKING INFRACTION
Extended staring, deep sighing, or sudden life manifestos between 11:45 PM and 12:10 AM are classified as Unlicensed Existential Audits.
Penalty:
One (1) death metal track and a reminder that January exists.
RULE VII: CEREMONIAL NONSENSE ALLOWANCE
The wearing of novelty hats, glitter, noise-makers, or sequins is permitted for a maximum of 35 minutes.
Penalty for excess:
Permanent photographic evidence.
RULE VIII: DANCE-FLOOR NEGLIGENCE
Any dance move exceeding current joint capacity will be investigated.
Penalty:
Immediate placement and rehabilitation inside a wall of death.
RULE IX: THE VISUAL EVIDENCE INFRACTION
Aggravating Factors Include:
Closed Eyes
Embarrassing Backgrounds
Blurry framing
Awkward Angles
Duckface
Posting To Social Media
Tagging Other People Without Consent
Penalty:
Mandatory next day review accompanied by shame, hangxiety, and the sudden urge to delete everything and assume a new identity.
RULE X: THE AULD LANG SYNE VIOLATION
The unsanctioned playing, singing, humming, or emotional participation in “Auld Lang Syne” at midnight is hereby classified as Unauthorized Traditional Sentimentality.
This Includes:
Grabbing hands in a circle
Swaying with strangers
Pretending to know the words
Becoming inexplicably emotional about people you actively avoid the rest of the year
Penalty:
Immediate loss of playlist privileges.
CONFIDENTIAL ADDENDUM
MINISTRY OF METAL – INTERNAL USE ONLY
(Do Not Read Aloud. Do Not Acknowledge.)
THE 11:59 EXEMPTION CLAUSE
The Ministry formally recognizes a protected class known as Metalheads of Sound Mind, who may experience acute discomfort in the final sixty seconds of the calendar year.
Accordingly, any metalhead who silently exits the room between 11:58 and 11:59 PM shall be granted Full Ritual Avoidance Immunity.
Protected Actions While Exempt:
Standing in another room listening to metal on headphone
Headbanging
Waiting until 12:02 to re-emerge
like nothing happened
During this exemption window, the following are waived:
Countdown participation
Hand-holding
Singing
Explanation
Note:
Metalheads invoking this clause are not required to justify their absence, or pretend they missed something meaningful.
FINAL MINISTRY NOTICE
Metalheads are reminded:
This is not a rebirth.
This is not a transformation.
This is simply a calendar page turning.
Metal does not need a countdown.
Metal does not require optimism.
Metal survives the year and carries on.
Thus posted.
Thus enforced.
Thus endured.
By Order of The Ministry of Metal
Appeals will not be heard.
Stamped. Filed. Effective immediately until the first riff of the new year strikes.
Missed Last Weeks Ministry of Metal? Find it here.
The Ministry of Metal is a Metal Lair™ Original Series
MINISTRY OF METAL FAQ:
Q: Is the Ministry of Metal a real governing body?
A: Absolutely not. It is a fictional bureaucratic authority operating within the metal realm. Any resemblance to real institutions, governments, or overbearing rule makers is intentional and mocking.
Q: Why does the Ministry issue proclamations?
A: To regulate chaos, document absurdity, and impose order where none is required. Proclamations exist to reflect metal culture with satire, not enforcement.
Q: Are the rules meant to be followed?
A: Compliance is optional. Recognition is encouraged. Laughter is mandatory.
Q: Will there be consequences for breaking Ministry rules?
A: Only fictional ones. Real world penalties include mild self awareness and possibly being roasted in future proclamations.
Q: Is the Ministry anti fun?
A: No. The Ministry is anti forced fun, performative joy, and traditions that survive solely because no one questions them.
Q: Why does the Ministry sound oddly official?
A: Bureaucracy is funniest when taken seriously. The tone is deliberate. The authority is imaginary. The satire is sharp.
Q: Is the Ministry of Metal connected to any real religion, political body, or ideology?
A: No. It is a fictional narrative device created solely for humor, commentary, and metal culture storytelling.
Q: Will the Ministry appear regularly?
A: Yes. Proclamations, addendums, confidential notices, and internal memos may be issued at any time, often without warning.
Q: Can readers suggest proclamation topics?
A: Informally, yes. Officially, the Ministry does not acknowledge outside influence.
Q: Does Metal Lair have any other recurring series?
A: Yes, we do! Check them out here:
- Seven Deadly Songs – A weekly roundup of the most unholy new releases.
- Deep Cuts – Hidden gems and lost recordings from rock and metal history.
- Metalhead Horoscopes – Weekly forecasts laced with riffs, attitude, and a lucky song for every sign.
- World Metal Weekly – A global passport through the underground, one country at a time.
- Women in Metal –
A series celebrating the voices, pioneers, and rule-breakers reshaping heavy music’s DNA. - Metal Legacy Profiles –
Deep dive essays honoring artists who shaped metal’s sound, culture, and philosophy. These aren’t timelines or greatest-hits lists, but examinations of impact, conflict, evolution, and what each figure left behind.