Written and Created By Metal Lair
📜 PROCLAMATION NO. 2
By Order of The Ministry of Metal,
Filed under Section XXV, Subsection Concerning Holiday Disruptions, Riff Preservation, and Crimes Against Festive Silence.
Filed Under Pre-Holiday Disorder, Seasonal Noise Violations, and Emergency Riff Deployment. Filed shortly after someone yelled “turn down the screamo, it’s Christmas!”
Hear ye, hear ye, and hear it over the sound of Mariah Carey singing “All I Want For Christmas in You.”
By decree of The Ministry of Metal it has been formally observed that the week before Christmas has arrived and the holiday season has once again descended upon the populace, bringing with it chaos, relatives, and music that is… not metal. A time marked by crowds, chaos, and music that should have been retired decades ago.
In response, the following Holiday Survival Ordinances are hereby enacted:
Effective immediately:
• Metalheads are permitted to disappear into another room “to check something” and not return for several hours.
• Earbuds shall be worn openly and without apology at all family gatherings.
• Any person who says “let’s put something festive on” forfeits control of the playlist.
• The phrase “it all sounds the same” is classified as seasonal misinformation.
• Funeral doom, sludge, and black metal are officially recognized as appropriate winter music.
• One (1) metal shirt worn to a formal holiday function is considered formal enough.
• Headbanging around fragile ornaments must be executed with tactical awareness.
• Anyone who calls metal “angry music” shall be assigned Wham! on repeat until morale improves.
Furthermore:
• Drunk uncles shall not be debated. They shall be ignored.
• “Just one more song” legally means at least three.
• Doom naps remain fully protected, even during festivities.
• All metalheads are entitled to one (1) silent existential stare into the middle distance per gathering.
Let it be known:
Metal is not anti-holiday.
Metal is holiday defense.
Thus decreed.
Thus survived.
By Order of The Ministry of Metal.
“Filed Complaints May Be Submitted Below”
The Ministry of Metal. A Metal Lair Original Series
MINISTRY OF METAL FAQ:
Q: Is the Ministry of Metal a real governing body?
A: Absolutely not. It is a fictional bureaucratic authority operating within the metal realm. Any resemblance to real institutions, governments, or overbearing rule makers is intentional and mocking.
Q: Why does the Ministry issue proclamations?
A: To regulate chaos, document absurdity, and impose order where none is required. Proclamations exist to reflect metal culture with satire, not enforcement.
Q: Are the rules meant to be followed?
A: Compliance is optional. Recognition is encouraged. Laughter is mandatory.
Q: Will there be consequences for breaking Ministry rules?
A: Only fictional ones. Real world penalties include mild self awareness and possibly being roasted in future proclamations.
Q: Is the Ministry anti fun?
A: No. The Ministry is anti forced fun, performative joy, and traditions that survive solely because no one questions them.
Q: Why does the Ministry sound oddly official?
A: Bureaucracy is funniest when taken seriously. The tone is deliberate. The authority is imaginary. The satire is sharp.
Q: Is the Ministry of Metal connected to any real religion, political body, or ideology?
A: No. It is a fictional narrative device created solely for humor, commentary, and metal culture storytelling.
Q: Will the Ministry appear regularly?
A: Yes. Proclamations, addendums, confidential notices, and internal memos may be issued at any time, often without warning.
Q: Can readers suggest proclamation topics?
A: Informally, yes. Officially, the Ministry does not acknowledge outside influence.
Q: Does Metal Lair have any other recurring series?
A: Yes, we do! Check them out here:
- Seven Deadly Songs – A weekly roundup of the most unholy new releases.
- Deep Cuts – Hidden gems and lost recordings from rock and metal history.
- Metalhead Horoscopes – Weekly forecasts laced with riffs, attitude, and a lucky song for every sign.
- World Metal Weekly – A global passport through the underground, one country at a time.
- Women in Metal –
A series celebrating the voices, pioneers, and rule-breakers reshaping heavy music’s DNA. - Metal Legacy Profiles –
Deep dive essays honoring artists who shaped metal’s sound, culture, and philosophy. These aren’t timelines or greatest-hits lists, but examinations of impact, conflict, evolution, and what each figure left behind.
The Ministry of Metal is A Metal Lair™ Original Series