Corpse Paint and Cosmic Fate
The planets have aligned like a Slayer power chord, and the universe is ready to scream your fate straight into your face. Whether you’re howling at the moon, headbanging through deadlines, or questioning your life choices mid concert, the stars have riffs for you.
Expect breakdowns, face melters, and a few gentle acoustic interludes from the universe (before it punches you in the throat again). Love? Maybe. Chaos? Definitely. One thing’s for sure you don’t need astrology when you’ve got blast beats… but it sure makes mosh pits more interesting.
So grab your spiked gauntlets and your birth chart, and let’s see what the abyss has in store.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
“Love Bites (So Do I)”
You’re craving a soul bond, but don’t mistake sparks for salvation. If you’re single, someone intriguing might finally stop ghosting you. Taken? Ditch the grand gestures, it’s the little riffs that keep the song tight. Don’t overplay the solo before the chorus hits.
Metal wisdom: Let love build slowly… or risk shredding the strings before the first chorus drops.
Track of the week: Halestorm – “Love Bites (So Do I)”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
“Remembrance”
Old ghosts rise from the depths, and emotional breakdowns might sneak into your setlist. Face unresolved issues with the same tenderness you show your favorite doom vinyl. Single bulls, don’t dwell on ex files and you can’t listen to vinyl when the needle is broken.
Metal wisdom: Mourn the past, then let it rot beneath the soil of your new riffs
Track of the week: Gojira – “Remembrance”
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
“Overload”
You’re on a productivity rampage booking gigs, burning candles, and possibly bridges. Your tongue’s silver, but don’t promise what your hands can’t deliver. Get your your fellow musicians tight, your tourdates tighter, and try not to double book your band.
Metal wisdom: Even twin-headed beasts need a break before their brains melt.
Track of the week: Soilwork – “Overload”
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
“Push It”
Office politics got you feeling like you’re trapped in a haunted green room. Stand your ground, draw the line in blood if you must. Your sensitivity is a shield, not a weakness. A loyal ally will step forward treat them like your ride-or-die roadie.
Metal wisdom: Emotional intelligence is the most underrated distortion pedal.
Track of the week: Static-X – “Push It”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
“King of the Kill”
You’re the frontperson of the cosmic stage right now. But every solo spot brings a risk of ego whiplash. If you want the spotlight to stay sweet, share it once in a while. Your roar is loud, but wisdom whispers in the quiet between sets.
Metal wisdom: Slay with charisma, not cockiness.
Track of the week: Annihilator – “King of the Kill”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
“Cleanse the Hive”
It’s time to purge your life of clutter digital, emotional, and interpersonal. Organize your chaos like a perfectly labeled pedalboard. But don’t become the tyrant of tidiness. No one wants to be micromanaged in the pit.
Metal wisdom: Even a precision riff can allow for a little improvisation.
Track of the week: The Reign of Tyrants – “Cleanse the Hive”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
“Walk With Me in Hell”
Your scales are tipping, hard work’s been devouring your downtime. Rebalance before you burn out. Collaboration will ease the load. Ditch the lone wolf routine and join forces; two headbangers are better than one.
Metal wisdom: Balance isn’t weakness, it’s the art of surviving the pit without losing your boots.
Track of the week: Lamb of God – “Walk With Me in Hell”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
“Master of Puppets”
You’re laser focused, all seeing, and maybe a little tyrannical. Make sure you’re not pulling strings just because you can. Your instincts are razor-sharp this week, especially around money. Just remember no one likes a tyrant on on the stage.
Metal wisdom: Guide, don’t dominate. Shred, don’t strangle.
Track of the week: Metallica – “Master of Puppets”
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
“Runnin’ Wild”
Your schedule’s bursting at the seams, and you’re one broken string from a burnout. Resist the urge to say “yes” to every gig. Something unexpected may test your leadership tune your strings and get ready to rip.
Metal wisdom: Don’t overcommit. Even Lemmy took bathroom breaks.
Track of the week: Airbourne – “Runnin’ Wild”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) “March of the Fire Ants”
You’re crushing it behind the scenes like a true metal tactician. Higher ups are starting to notice your grind. Just don’t become the grouch in the tour van, delegate the load. Your empire is rising keep the fire ants in line.
Metal wisdom: Success isn’t forged alone. Give credit where it’s due—or risk mutiny.
Track of the week: Mastodon – “March of the Fire Ants”
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
“Future Breed Machine”
You’re light years ahead of the crowd this week. Tech, tools, and new riffs bring them all to the table. Just make sure your genius isn’t lost in translation. Your weird is wonderful, but even avant-garde has a rhythm section.
Metal wisdom: Innovation is your mosh pit own it, but don’t get trampled.
Track of the week: Meshuggah – “Future Breed Machine”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
“Ghost of Perdition”
You’re picking up on energies others don’t even know exist. Your sixth sense is a superpower, especially at work. Use it to spot sabotage or hidden potential. Just don’t lose yourself in the shadows of other people’s feelings.
Metal wisdom: Trust your gut, but don’t drown in everyone else’s storm.
Track of the week: Opeth – “Ghost of Perdition”
