We have ranked metal artists based on survival skills, resourcefulness, and toughness. Who would thrive, and who would get eaten first. Alright, let’s break this down based on overall badassery. Here’s a mix of musicians who would probably outlast the undead hordes.
Max Cavalera (Soulfly, Sepultura, Cavalera Conspiracy) Why? Dude already looks like he’s been living in a post-apocalyptic wasteland for years. Raised in Brazil, he’s got that survival instinct. Plus, he can turn anything into a weapon, including his guitar.
Corpsegrinder (Cannibal Corpse) Why? First of all, hello….his name is corpsegrinder. Also his neck muscles are so strong, zombies wouldn’t even get through them. Plus, he loves playing claw machines meaning he’s got precision, patience, and a warrior’s mentality.
Zakk Wylde (Black Label Society, Ozzy Osbourne) Why? Built like a Viking, wields axes (both musical and literal), and could probably headbutt a zombie’s skull into dust. Also, he’s lived on tour buses for decades he’s used to rough conditions.
Henry Rollins (Black Flag) Why? Technically more punk, but this guy is a fitness freak, world traveler, and has the mental discipline of a Navy SEAL. Zombies wouldn’t even faze him.
Johan Hegg (Amon Amarth) Why? He is a Viking. He’s probably got an actual war axe at home. Zombies stand no chance.
Nergal (Behemoth) Why? If a guy can beat leukemia, fight the Polish government, and still run a successful blackened death metal band, zombies aren’t even a challenge.
Peter Tägtgren (Hypocrisy, Pain) Why? A self-taught scientist and musician. If anyone could build a functioning zombie cure in a hidden underground bunker, it’s this guy.
Ozzy Osbourne (Black Sabbath) Why? He’s already halfway to undead status. Plus, he’d probably try to bite a zombie back.
Lemmy Kilmister (RIP, Motörhead) Why? If he were still alive, he’d be an apocalypse legend. He’d probably stand in the middle of a horde, bottle of Jack in hand, casually offering zombies a drink until they recognized him as their leader. His sheer badassery and refusal to die would earn their respect, turning the undead into the ultimate Motörhead road crew.
Abbath (Immortal, Abbath)
Why? His corpse paint would confuse the zombies into thinking he’s already one of them. Plus, with his chaotic energy and frostbitten endurance, he’d probably survive in the mountains, blasting black metal and wielding an axe like a true warrior of the apocalypse.
If the cartoon maniacs of Dethklok found themselves in a zombie apocalypse, they wouldn’t just survive they’d turn it into the most brutal, over the top metal spectacle the world has ever seen.
Nathan Explosion would immediately declare the zombies to be “brutal as hell” and start using them as an audience for impromptu concerts. His guttural growls would somehow hypnotize the undead, turning them into the most loyal, brain deadfanbase in history.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf , “the fastest guitarist alive,” he would shred at such ridiculous speeds that his solos would create soundwaves powerful enough to blow zombies’ heads clean off. He’d treat the apocalypse like an extended tour, casually slaying hordes while complaining that “everythin’ is too slows.”
Toki Wartooth, being the most naïve of the group, would probably try to make friends with the zombies until one tried to bite him, at which point he’d lose his patience and start dual wielding guitars like battle axes, screaming, “You is not nice zombies!” as he goes berserk.
William Murderface would survive purely out of sheer spite. He’d take the apocalypse personally and probably start his own zombie fight club, just so he could say he was “the most metal guy in the end of the world, or whatever.”
Pickles the Drummer would stockpile booze and set up the ultimate apocalypse party, complete with fire tornadoes, explosions, and zombie mosh pits. In a drunken epiphany, he’d probably figure out how to distill zombie goo into a new kind of alcohol and then immediately regret drinking it.
In the end, the surviving metal musicians wouldn’t just outlast the zombie apocalypse, they’d thrive in it. They would become warlords of a Mad Max style wasteland ruling over a kingdom of reanimated corpses. They would turn zombie slaying into a brutal new form of moshing, and would lead a Viking horde, repurposing undead skulls as drinking goblets. The gang would also roam the ruins only stopping to teach zombies how to headbang.
Some say the world would never recover, but let’s be honest if the last remnants of civilization were ruled by battle hardened metalheads, would that really be such a bad thing?
