Written By Caine Blackthorn
How to outlast the chaos, the crowds, and that one guy screaming “FUCKEN SLAAAAAAYEEERRR” at 7 AM.
Welcome to Metal Festival Season, where thousands of black clad heathens descend upon muddy fields in search of riffs, rituals, and regret. All while baking under a brutal sun, sipping lukewarm beer, and braving porta potties that are an act of psychological warfare.
You’ll sweat. You’ll bleed. You’ll eat a burrito that violates the Geneva Convention. And yes, you will witness that one naked guy doing cartwheels in the mud like some pagan forest spirit.
This guide won’t save your soul but it will help you survive the sunburns, the sludge, and and that Norwegian dude in chainmail offering you moonshine before breakfast and yelling ‘SKÅL!’
1.Baby Wipes: Your Best Friend, Your Only God Now
You’ll start the day smelling like body spray and optimism. By Hour 3, you’re a walking around looking like you’ve been in the front row of a Gwar concert. Baby wipes will save your soul. Use them for:
• Armpits
• Mud-caked boots
• That time you sat on something you thought was grass but wasn’t.
• Emergency corpse paint removal (you never know)
• Running mascara after you cried during Opeth’s set, screamed during Lorna Shore, or got flash-flooded during Behemoth
• That one eyeliner smeared eye that made you look less like a smokey eyed goddess and more like a panda that got punched
Bring a whole pack. Hell, bring two. Share with a stranger and become instant pit besties.
2. Power Bank or Perish
Festival WiFi is a myth. Cell towers will collapse under the weight of 30,000 people live streaming Cannibal Corpse. Bring:
• A solar charger
• A backup power bank
• A pigeon trained in Morse code, just in case
3. The Gauntlet: Not Just for Battle Vests
Pack a pair of gloves, fingerless if you must be “trve kvlt“. Why?
• Port-a-potty door handles are biohazards
• Picking up mystery boots in the pit is a risky game
• You will touch something sticky, and it will not be beer
4. Hydrate or Die-drate
Yes, you’re metal. Yes, you can drink 12 warm PBRs by noon. But without water, you’ll be headbanging straight into a medical tent. Solutions:
• CamelBak under your battle vest
• Gatorade in a re-labeled blood bag
• Trade your soul for a cold bottle of water from the merch tent demon
5. Tent Setup for Chaos Enthusiasts
Your tent will:
• Blow away
• Flood
• Become part of a Viking style funeral
Pro tip: Duct tape, extra stakes, and a prayer to Odin. Bonus points for runes painted on the outside to deter non metalheads.
6. Pit Dental Plan
Crowdsurfing brings risk. Have a designated Tooth Fairy Buddy:
• If you lose a molar in a wall of death, they’ll bag it for you
• Swap it for a band patch or a beer later
• Bonus: Create a charm necklace from collected teeth
7. Nighttime Navigation Kit
After sundown, it’s a warzone of tangled tent lines and vomit traps. Arm yourself with:
• A headlamp
• A glowstick crown (summon your inner rave goblin)
• Echolocation skills honed from years of listening to Sunn O)))
8. The Sacred Scrolls (AKA: Toilet Paper)
You brought one roll. Rookie mistake.
• Hide extra tissue in your boot (emergency stash)
• Offer some to make lifelong friends
• Fold it with honor, like a flag
9. Festival Cuisine: Don’t Trust the “Meat Stick”
While metal festivals are best known for circle pits, beer showers, and questionable tattoo decisions, let’s not forget the other brutal experience: Festival food. Sure, there’s the occasional decent bite, but more often you’re faced with a chaotic buffet of deep fried confusion and meat on a stick mysteries.
Bon appétit, metalheads may your taste buds survive the weekend better than your stomach.
•The Burrito of Broken Promises
Advertised as “gourmet.” Wrapped in aluminum foil. Filled with hopes, dreams, and gastrointestinal despair. Pairs well with regret and a port a potty prayer.
•The Meat Stick of Mystery
Charred to the consistency of a wizard’s staff. Flavor? Unknown. Texture? “Prehistoric.” Could be beef, could be raccoon, could be summoned from an alternate dimension.
•Vegan Options That Taste Like Sadness and Bark
Comes with a free lecture from the guy in the Tool shirt. Texture of insulation foam, flavor of haunted kale. You’ll still eat it because it’s that or the meat stick again.
10. Emotional Support Goat (Optional, But Powerful)
Look. If Gorgoroth could have one on stage, so can you.
• Helps navigate crowds
• Headbangs to doom metal
• Eats your concert teeshirts, but it’s a small price for friendship
11. Mosh in the Mud: When the Sky Opens and the Earth Vomits
You had dreams of sun kissed circle pits and beer soaked singalongs. Instead? Mother Nature blasts you with rain and turns the entire festival into mudocalypse 2025.
Let’s talk Mud People:
• These aren’t just fans. They are creatures of sludge, forged from primordial ooze.
• They’re shirtless, barefoot, and worship chaos.
• One minute, you’re vibing to Gojira. The next? You’ve been hit in the face with a fistful of grass, roots, and what may have been someone’s sock.
Survival Tips:
• Waterproof boots or barefoot like a beast. Anything in between is soggy regret.
• Keep your mouth closed unless you enjoy a mouthful of terra firma.
• Wear something you’re willing to burn in a cleansing ritual later.
• Don’t fight the mud,embrace it. Smear it across your face. Become the terrain. You are the festival now.
And if you’re wondering, yes. Someone will try to stage dive into a puddle. And yes they will look like the alien from the Terrasite album cover.
12. How Not to Miss the Headliner Because You Blacked Out at Noon
You started the day strong with a beer in your hand and an unshakable belief that you are immune to hangovers and heatstroke.
Spoiler alert: you are not.
By 4 PM, you’re shirtless, sunburned, and talking to a trash can you’ve named “Lars.”
By 6 PM, you’re asleep on a patch of dirt, covered in someone else’s wristbands.
By 9 PM, you’ve missed the band you literally came to see…..Again.
Here’s how to stay conscious through the chaos:
• The “One to One Rule”: One drink, one water. You’ll pee like a racehorse, but at least you’ll see the stage.
• Avoid the festival cocktails. If it comes in a giant skull-shaped goblet and tastes like cough syrup, it’s 90% Everclear and 10% regret.
• Don’t day drink like you’re in college. You’re not and your liver knows it.
• Snack like your life depends on it. Bonus tip: If you feel like lying down “just for a minute,” immediately slap yourself with a cold burrito and stand back up. That’s how the sun claims its victims.
Bonus Tip: Have an Escape Plan
At some point you will say, “I just need to lie down for five minutes.” This is a trap. You will wake up in another country in your underwear, with half a battle vest, and in a black metal band you accidentally joined.
Survive. Thrive. Rehydrate. And when in doubt, follow the sacred words of Lemmy:
“Don’t let the bastards grind you down.”
…But also, maybe pack sunscreen.
Check Out “A Metalheads Guide To Hangovers”
